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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

7 REASONS WHY FEMALES GET HURT IN RELATIONSHIP

I wonder why I keep putting off the sequel to the piece “LOVE WAN TITI” despite my readers craving to see the conclusion. Well to tell the truth, I have not been sleeping well so I have lost all effort to write. I forced myself to sleep at 3.00am this morning after entertaining myself with the DVD - 24, Season 5. The film was so gripping that I forgot the time and the fact that I had to work the next day. I was immediately awoken at 6.00a.m to do my normal chores before bolting to work when this article I am about to write came to me


Self Centeredness

Most females enter relationship (consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously) with a self centered motive. No wonder comments like “he has not asked me to marry him and I have let go of other suitors”, “all men are bad”, “I have feelings for that guy and he is not asking me out”, etc. Since females are crammed and mostly stuck on relationship issues, it suffices to say that they make no effort to understand the male counterpart. If the male counterpart does not meet their preferences, they get worried unnecessarily and develop a pattern of helplessness. They fail to see their contribution in the whole relationship problem and continue casting blame. This in itself is one of the greatest issues of relationship amidst other self imposed vices.


Openness in Communication

Females have a firm belief that they are wired naturally not be open in dealing with their male counterparts. Imagine a female going steady with a guy for 3 years and expecting to get married without voicing her intentions. Why spend 3 years with a guy and you can not tell him how you feel? Why believe that you will lose something by speaking openly with a guy you intend to marry? The only thing you will lose is pride and fear. My dear females, you are not wired to be closed, you chose to be closed because you are afraid of the outcome of being open.


The Weakling Mentality

Females actually believe they are the weaker sex so they allow the man define their happiness. The cultural conditioning gives them this “I need to be pampered and taken care of” mentality. Truth the told, you are created to be a help-meet to a man not to be pampered by a man. You may not be as physically strong as a man but you have a stronger influence. What you lack, you are compensated by other sense of strength. Females fail to maximize their potential for the good of the relationship but sit back defining set of roles for themselves.

A female friend complained to me that she has been slapped by her husband and she wanted a divorce. Then I asked what she did but she claimed she did not do anything. I asked her if her husband had a mental problem and she looked at me obviously shocked with the question. She said no. I asked her if she has ever heard or seen her husband slapped other females like his colleague or even her sister. She said no. So your husband woke up one morning looked at you and slapped you. She did not wait for me to explain as she called me a chauvinistic pig. After much discourse, she finally made me understand she had nagged and insulted him because he failed to keep to a promise of buying her a shoe.


Trust is not Love

Many females do not know the difference between trust and love. The story above indicates females’ inability to love without trust. From my friend’s story, that was the first time the man hit him and she was obviously shocked at his reaction. Since, I can not judge the man without hearing his own side of the story, I told her she was expected to love her hubby and trust God. Man is fallible, no matter how wonderful he appears and perfects himself to be. If females have it in the back of their mind that every man out there is not perfect, it will easier for them to transit issues flawlessly. They will commit their man to God, and confirm his strength not emphasize on his weakness. Jesus loved humans but did not commit himself to them because he knew they were weak.


Lack of Kingship


Most females lack Kingship; they fail to understand their rights to protect their relationship territory. God made man; male and female he made them. The first assignment he gave this male and female is to dominate their territory. Most females do not know their role as partner to their husband. They are expected to lift their families to God and bear the burdens of the relationship with the man. A girl is going out with a guy and she is praying for the guy to ask her hand in marriage instead of praying for the guy’s solvency to life’s issues like financial, political and social. She expects to be a liability instead of an asset to the man. She looks down upon herself and tells God that only this man can make her happy. If you pray for the man’s success (not putting one leg out and one leg in), God will reward you with the man.

Monday, July 31, 2006

SOKOTO IN SHOKOTO

“To live through an impossible situation, you don’t need the reflexes of a Grand Prix driver, the muscles of a Hercules, the mind of an Einstein. You simply need to know what to do.” - Anthony Greenbank


Wednesday, the 26th was a day I can never forget, in fact it was a double twist, walking out of Diamond Bank, and I had a double mind; the teller had overpaid me by a sum of N1, 000.00. Looking at the load of expenses I had to foot the next day (Dami’s naming ceremony), I am sure you can support me in my walking out of the bank without any sign of guilt. But as we all know, the God in me will never let me rest, so I grudgingly walked into banking hall and handed back the money to the teller who was oblivious of the situation. The responses that greeted me were shocking; the teller beside the grateful teller actually regarded me as if I was from outer space.


Well, there was no time for regret; I had actually done it so I looked forward to seeing my mentor who was once an acting CEO of a prestigious bank. My mentor, amongst her other accolades, is a mother of two children who were working in the states (the guy works with Cisco and the babe is an investment banker). I am sure you can extol my choice for choosing her as a mentor. The mentorship relationship has been on for 3 years with a lot of ups and down but we finally understood each other.


Walking out of the bank and facing me was Sweet Sensation, I immediately felt hungry, so I walked in. I was so used to Munchies that I immediately asked for Munchies Roll. The attendant gave me a bewildered look, and then it dawned on me I was in the wrong building so I simply asked for their own version of hotdog. A mere sight of their hotdog, made me understand why I always went for Munchies so I politely rejected it and asked for rice and chicken. Guess what? The rice was just too small, so I put up my usual charm and toasted the attendant who unwittingly obliged me by giving me extra spoon of rice. (Na wao, Sweet Sensation don turn to Buka)


As I sat down to grub, I reflected on the meaning of success, wealth and poverty. Does all this have anything to do with money? Then the question lingers what is money? The two scenarios of Diamond Bank and Sweet Sensation simply answered my questions. Money is whatever you decide to call it and what you call it is based on who you are. I imagined myself walking out of the bank with the one thousand naira and going to Sweet Sensation. I may have bought the hotdog which I will eventually not eat, then order for the rice and pay extra for the additional plate of rice to make me full. I would have spent the stolen one thousand naira without value and made the teller very bitter after realizing he could not balance his account at the end of the day. The teller may get sacked, if it was noticed by a boss that had given him a query on such issue. It will create in me a habit that will eventually catch up with me.


The choices we make and the web of events that can take place. I stood up realizing that all what we chase after is simply the everyday decision we make that gets us there. The future we see is simply the present we live. All the things we chase after, is simply within us. Being wealthy is not having more, but needing less. What we are looking for in Sokoto is in our Shokoto………..


Don’t bother about the product, if the process is right, the product is guaranteed”

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

WHO'S CHILD ARE U?

Wistfulness, nostalgia and reminiscence; these are feelings that filled my soul as I read the poem below. The author of the poem (who enjoys being called Kim) was a member of POeT Team back in the days of Obafemi Awolowo University. She creatively weaved this poem with such depth that leaves any human heart very pensive. Here is a master piece that I personally kept for 6 years; enjoy!

She’s pregnant the doctor says
What joy erodes her mind?
A life of nurture and cherish
Growing inside her!

With such immeasurable joy
She spreads the news
As day crept past, weeks crawled past
And months dragged past

Such was the excitement within her
As she felt his heartbeat and his first kick with pride
With such care she picked out a diet
To suit the growth of her child

Such unknown joy she felt as the time finally came
Shaking within and maintaining an outer calm
She walked into the ward, shed her garments,
And went on the stretcher

Her life she endangered for a life she knew not
She was pushed to the theater
To be subjected to blade and scissors
But she closed her eyes and fantasized

The pangs of pain shooting through her
Brought her back to reality
She was about to bring life to somebody
Such unbearable pain engulfed her entire being

She screamed and tossed and turned
Her breath she held to give it breath
Her body she subjected to such pain
To give this creature life

Suddenly there was a release
A voice coaxed her on gently, guiding ordering
With all her strength, she pushed
Yes, the child was doing well, coming through the right path

Push, push, she pushed
Suddenly there was alarm, tension in the air
The child has gone the wrong way
She did try, oh, how she tried

But this child would not follow her again
She was lacerated but nothing done could save that child
He had been stolen, killed and destroyed
Such unknown and unbearable grief racked her

As she held the dead child in her hand in her arm and wept
This child is not mine, it never was mine
But how I loved it, such selfless love I had for it
She shook it with so much vigor,
As if that would bring it back to life
Screaming
“Whose child are you?
I have life and cannot beget that which has no life
Whose child are you?”

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

ALL MEN ARE BAD

“We must become the change we want to see in the world” – Gandhi

“When the program that runs in a female body gets corrupted by various viruses named project “HURT”, there is a malfunctioning that takes place which consistently produces an output called ALL MEN ARE BAD. A female, without thinking it through, will spurt this sentence to her male friends as if the male friend is not even included in the “all men are bad syndrome”. This simply means she has moved from a logical platform to an illogical one. Well, how do we solve this heart ache symptom? I believe an antivirus should be injected into their system to produce a different output called “ALL MEN ARE DIFFERENT”

A lady is born. “Wow” there is rejoicing in the earth (well, at least her parents are happy). Her first sit, crawl, stand and walk is celebrated with much enthusiasm, she goes through various formal institutions in life facing various challenges from exams to human differences. She has a goal, so no matter the stress she goes through in this uncongenial environment; she comes out of it a winner and breathes a sigh of relieve and actually celebrates it. But when it comes to the almighty committed relationship, she gives up at any sign of stress; she holds on to her ideal and hope everything works out. What do you think? I think I should develop an axiom for her;


“Before you graduate from the institution called Committed Relationship, you must pass one of the most difficult exams called Selflessness 101”

One of the indications that we don’t understand something is failure. So when a relationship fails, it simply means we need to retract, stay all night if need be, check out your mistakes, master them and go for the exam and this time with an attitude of “I am willing to give it my best shot”. When the ALL MEN ARE BAD attitude resurfaces and you secretly want to get married then two laws are functioning in your body. You must change the output to ALL MEN ARE DIFFERENT so you can understand you are in a different terrain and easily face the challenges that come with it.

“You cannot blame your circumstances for what you create.”

When ever a woman says a man is bad, what she does not understand is that she herself is bad because humans do not attract that which they want, but that which they are. Not what they pray and wish for, but that which they are. So you must improve yourself to the level of what you want, to get what you want. Maybe an anecdote might help;

Here is a lady approached by a married man (without her prior knowledge of the marital status). He trips her, spends money on her, and promises her marriage to sleep with her. She caves in and becomes deeply emotionally involved. Then comes the bombshell, she finds out. She becomes distress and seems justified to curse and rain abuses on him but she remains emotionally messed up. She becomes skeptical about men that come her way and resolves in her heart not to allow such happen to her again. No matter the shade of men that comes her way, her perspective is never to go through the same emotional pain again, so she tries not to get involve emotionally until she is sure.


Sure? Sure of what? This woman did not analyze herself to see the vices that blinded her to this deception. She did not check her lust, greed and selfishness. There is no complete overhaul of her internal process and she expects to be attracted to the right man. Even if the right man comes her way, she would not recognize him because she is not equipped to. Her neurons simply translates a good man to be tall rich and handsome. Even if she gets married, she will compromise a lot, to keep the relationship going or the relationship deteriorates and she ends up in the same circle……………… “

Lara closed her bible which she did not refer to and believed she could hear a pin drop in a room of about 5,000 single females; she simply walked out of the stage, paced out of the hall and headed straight to her End of Discussion.

This is a sequel to Lonely Londoner

Saturday, June 17, 2006

THE ACT OF PROSTITUTION

It was some years ago as I am no longer certain when I was faced with two beautiful ladies in Lagos Sheraton Hotel; one was a Briton and the other a Nigerian. The room was 519 and it commanded an air of warmth despite the harsh Air Conditioning finding its way through my St. Michael’s suit. I felt at ease just looking at the red carpet room, stoned wall and rich pine furniture with tasteful finish. As the negotiations ensued, my phone began to ring; I was immediately troubled because I was about to commit the act of prostitution.

In writing this article, I consulted various dictionaries but I found Encarta to fully express my mind. The definition of a prostitute is;

1.
somebody paid for sexual intercourse: somebody who receives money in return for sexual intercourse or other sex acts
2.
Somebody who degrades talent for money: somebody who uses a skill or ability in a way that is considered unworthy, usually for financial gain


My knowledge of definition (1) was enacted the day I spent longer time than necessary in a friends place at the age of 11. I went on a visit to his place at 1004 flats at Victoria Island from my place in Apapa. After spending time playing Street Fighter 2 on Super Nintendo, the time was 10.00pm and I was stuck on the Island. My friend’s mother pleaded with the driver to take me home. It was on my way home, that I saw some ladies standing on the road dressed differently from the way women normally dressed in the day. The short skirt always reveals their high heel shoes together with their tight blouse with spaghetti strap; this was a force of attraction that almost threw the driver off course. My curiosity was immediately quenched as the driver started the long tale of what prostitution was and who they were as he headed back on the road. The memory of this day though half-faded, still commands the needed inquisition in my soul.

Definition (2) is my main focus as I am amazed at how much one prostitute oneself for the sake of financial gain. This is considered smartness in today’s world of increase poverty, challenging background and oppressive lifestyle. The act of throwing away your talent, skill and experience for another line of work in order to appreciate financially does not improve the person hence the country of the person. The act of studying Chemistry and ending up in a bank raises a lot of question on the future Nigeria. It is my belief that a country can not change if the human resources are dysfunctional, exploited and oppressed. Nigerians look at the fields that offer a better productivity and leans towards it despising their gift and callings. Who can we blame this on; the government, the employer, the employee or the job seeker?

I remembered a friend who lost an interview because she stayed in a department for 2 years despite her logical reason of love for the said department. Employers encourage prostitution because employees must prostitute to bullet proof themselves from this fast paced, ever-changing work place. You are considered by employers as slow and not ambitious for sticking to a company for a long time.

I would love to look at it from the employee/job seekers perspective. Things are hard, situation is difficult, your position remains the same, and salary has not been increased, an advert comes out that totally disregards your passions and believes but you apply because your skills could be transferable and the money is good. This is what happened to me on that fateful day in Sheraton Hotel where I was having an interview with Virgin Nigeria. As the phone disrupted our conversation, I knew I had blown the interview because the British woman’s smile faded. I immediately switched it off but it was too late; her mind was set because we had been negotiating on how much I would love to collect which meant I was a good candidate for the Team Leadership Position. The Nigerian lady made an excuse for me but the negotiation stopped immediately. I was negotiating 4 times my salary with a woman who was previously enthusiastic about my stories on the scenario question and now was not interested any more because my phone rang. Looking back at the scene, I am very happy that the phone rang because I would have traded off my passion for the Aviation Industry and all that I have learnt would have been thrown away the second time for a morsel of porridge…………..


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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

ABORTION 2

I remembered an intimate situation I found myself 3 weeks ago and I decided to share it with my dear readers on the premise that it might be useful to someone;

I got out of my BMW on this fateful day when a brand new Avensis swept past me to park in front of me in my office garage. I tried to peep into the front car and I was amazed to see my former colleague nodding steadily obviously in tune with music blaring out of his CD. He had just moved from Glo to a bank; immediately he saw me, the glass of the car automatically wound down and an uncontrollable splash of air conditioning breezed through my already frigid skin. He immediately invited me to have a ride in his new car but our conversation was obstructed by my other colleagues who rushed for his attention.

I was immediately jealous and I felt so down that I hurriedly walked away from the scene to my office toilet. On closing the door to the toilet, I could not control the anger I felt as they kept pouring out. I immediately comported myself as the following conversation ensued between God and me;

Me: Why God? I have been praying for a promotion, but you have not done it.
God: Is there anything too hard for me to do?

Me: No, I suppose but you seem to favor some people over me.
God: Those that compare themselves are not wise.
Me: Please, how do I gauge my progress in life? I am not comparing myself, I am praying for something I need.
God: Then what are you doing feeling sorry for yourself. I have given you various opportunities to be promoted but you did not take them.

Me: What?
God: Remember, when I told you about the “automated routing” you were to propose to your boss but you ignored it.

Me: I did not know you were the one speaking to me.
God: You did, but you ignored it because you were afraid of how it will come out.

Me: Yes, I was afraid of being rebuked but I did not know it was you. If I knew, I would have boldly stood up because I could never disobey you.

God: Remember, your undergraduate days when you had a hunch to read some particular part of your physics note and exactly all the things you read came out; that was your first A on the campus. Am I right?
Me: Yes, God. Was that you?
God: Remember, your first day at Student Christian Movement fellowship and you felt at peace with the environment though you were a Moslem.
Me: Yes, were you the one?
God: Remember, when you finally broke up with your first fiancée. Who comforted you?
Me: I was traumatized Lord, that was no comfort.
God: You soul was shattered but your spirit was intact, this was necessary for maturity.
Me: Okay God, you speak in various ways.
God: No, I speak to you in patterns you understand; they may come in various forms but my sheep know my voice.

Me: What am I to do now?
God: I give seed to the sower- meaning anybody that is actively sowing seeds; I don’t give the fruits.
Me: But I pay my tithe and give offerings in church.
God: Giving offerings and paying your tithe is commendable but I am talking about some other forms of seeds. I do not owe any man; when last were u sick? When last did you quarrel? When last did you have an accident?

Me: I am very sorry Lord, but I don’t understand. What can I do to be promoted like my colleague?
God: You do not know what you ask for. Can you drink of the same wine he drinks from or be baptized with baptism he is baptized with?
Me: Yes Lord, I can.
God: That means you are willing to sleep for only 2 hours in a day. You are willing to write various business proposals and see them thrown to the drain by various investors until you can get it right. You are willing to invest your life savings in high risk ventures and lose it various times till you get it right. You are willing to look at your wife in the face, and put her money in places you are not comfortable with.
Me: No God, that’s too much.
God: This is why you should not compare yourself with others but compete with yourself to reach the goals I give to you.
Me: Okay, I understand.
God: I have given you everything that pertains to life and Godliness. You aborted the idea I gave you, if you had obeyed the idea irrespective of your boss compliance, I would have led you to a higher dimension with me. If Abraham had aborted my ideas, there would not have been an Israel. If Jesus had aborted the idea of not dieing, I doubt I will be talking to you today. The light afflictions you are facing now are going to work out for your eternal glory.
Me: Oh God, I am very sorry for aborting the plan you gave me?
God: Do not despise the days of little beginning. Just like I told Moses; the rod he used in tending for his father-in-law sheep is the same rod that he used in delivering the Israelites. The way David looked after his fathers’ sheep conscientiously is the same way I knew he will take care of my people when I make him King. So Dipo, whatever is in your hand, do it with all your heart.
Me: Ok Lord, I will.

God: Do not abort this idea, they are for generations unborn……………...

NOTE: All these conversation with God took place over a period of time.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

LIAR LIAR

This life seems to favor those that live a lie; living a lie or telling a lie is about the same but before I delve deep into this very controversial issue that denies us from reaching our full potential, I would love to define “lie” as inscribed in the Encarta Dictionary;

1. deliberately say something untrue: to say something that is not true in a conscious effort to deceive somebody
· He lied about his age in order to get into the army.

2. be deceptive: to give a false impression
· Don’t forget that appearances can lie.

The above definition (1) talks about deceiving somebody as an act of lie but the greatest injustice someone can do, is to lie to himself/herself. Let me use these three scenarios of my acquaintances as a background for my discussion;

1. A colleague of mine, a Moslem brother who had gone to Mecca twice, left Nigeria to the UK for his MBA. His first day in the city that hosted his proposed school, was spent in a restaurant where he was treated with ham. After eating it, he proclaimed he had never had anything so delicious and promised the waiter he was going to be a regular visitor. He got to his apartment and quickly checked the dictionary for the meaning of ham; he was full of rage when he discovered he had eaten pork. He quickly went to the toilet to vomit it; after clearing his bowel, he went back to his room and took a can of beer with ease and comfort.


2. My former boss, a devout Hindu brother, left Nigeria to Paris for his usual business deals and he was offered Chicken in a restaurant by his host company. He immediately looked around critically and realized there was no Indian in the room. He had chewed the chicken half way when he noticed the representative of the host company was eaten vegetables; he quizzed him on his prefrences and the man boldly announced he was a devout Hindu.


3. A close friend, a devout born-again Christian, told me she refused the position of chief bride’s maid for her best friend claiming the proposed bride was pregnant meaning she had sex before marriage. One year after this incident, my close friend told me she was separated from her husband and was filling for a divorce. She immediately added that another friend of ours was getting married but this friend of ours was pregnant; she poignantly said she would not be found dead in the wedding.

These stories, if examined deeply, are symptoms of schizophrenia and this condition should be taken very seriously. Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” specifically talks on human denial of the monsters within them which ultimately leads to our destruction and low self esteem. The ability to recognize these denials are the major difference between man and animal. No wonder, Jesus admonishes us to remove the log in our eyes before we try to remove the speck in others. The frailties of self denial are vivid enough in example 1 where a Moslem brother is permissive of what is comfortable and denies the uncomfortable. As a Christian convert from an Islamic background, I am very certain that beer is frowned on by Moslem with the same degree pork is frowned on, then why is the Moslem brother above comfortable with the beer?

The second story was conveyed to me by the actor himself and I remembered how he laughed at himself for not being bold enough to proclaim he was a Hindu who did not care to eat meat in front of other fellow Hindus but the last story was the height of self deception. She could not examine herself to recognize her own sin though she strongly judged others.

I am beginning to worry if “murder” is a higher degree of sin than “lying” because lying to oneself is an offshoot of pride which the Lord resists. I believe we should quiz ourselves from time to time in order to examine ourselves deeply. I will recommend this film “CRASH” (Academy Awards’ Best Picture) as a resource material to further expatiate on the paradox of human deficiencies.

What is the solution to all this? I strongly believe we should acknowledge our weaknesses and not to quickly judge others no matter the situation. If we view others with this lens, it will become easier to accept other peoples frailties and the commandment of God will be adhered to which supports loving your neighbors as yourself……………………………………………………………………….

Please, kindly trap your ideas on the comment section.