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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

7 REASONS WHY FEMALES GET HURT IN RELATIONSHIP

I wonder why I keep putting off the sequel to the piece “LOVE WAN TITI” despite my readers craving to see the conclusion. Well to tell the truth, I have not been sleeping well so I have lost all effort to write. I forced myself to sleep at 3.00am this morning after entertaining myself with the DVD - 24, Season 5. The film was so gripping that I forgot the time and the fact that I had to work the next day. I was immediately awoken at 6.00a.m to do my normal chores before bolting to work when this article I am about to write came to me


Self Centeredness

Most females enter relationship (consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously) with a self centered motive. No wonder comments like “he has not asked me to marry him and I have let go of other suitors”, “all men are bad”, “I have feelings for that guy and he is not asking me out”, etc. Since females are crammed and mostly stuck on relationship issues, it suffices to say that they make no effort to understand the male counterpart. If the male counterpart does not meet their preferences, they get worried unnecessarily and develop a pattern of helplessness. They fail to see their contribution in the whole relationship problem and continue casting blame. This in itself is one of the greatest issues of relationship amidst other self imposed vices.


Openness in Communication

Females have a firm belief that they are wired naturally not be open in dealing with their male counterparts. Imagine a female going steady with a guy for 3 years and expecting to get married without voicing her intentions. Why spend 3 years with a guy and you can not tell him how you feel? Why believe that you will lose something by speaking openly with a guy you intend to marry? The only thing you will lose is pride and fear. My dear females, you are not wired to be closed, you chose to be closed because you are afraid of the outcome of being open.


The Weakling Mentality

Females actually believe they are the weaker sex so they allow the man define their happiness. The cultural conditioning gives them this “I need to be pampered and taken care of” mentality. Truth the told, you are created to be a help-meet to a man not to be pampered by a man. You may not be as physically strong as a man but you have a stronger influence. What you lack, you are compensated by other sense of strength. Females fail to maximize their potential for the good of the relationship but sit back defining set of roles for themselves.

A female friend complained to me that she has been slapped by her husband and she wanted a divorce. Then I asked what she did but she claimed she did not do anything. I asked her if her husband had a mental problem and she looked at me obviously shocked with the question. She said no. I asked her if she has ever heard or seen her husband slapped other females like his colleague or even her sister. She said no. So your husband woke up one morning looked at you and slapped you. She did not wait for me to explain as she called me a chauvinistic pig. After much discourse, she finally made me understand she had nagged and insulted him because he failed to keep to a promise of buying her a shoe.


Trust is not Love

Many females do not know the difference between trust and love. The story above indicates females’ inability to love without trust. From my friend’s story, that was the first time the man hit him and she was obviously shocked at his reaction. Since, I can not judge the man without hearing his own side of the story, I told her she was expected to love her hubby and trust God. Man is fallible, no matter how wonderful he appears and perfects himself to be. If females have it in the back of their mind that every man out there is not perfect, it will easier for them to transit issues flawlessly. They will commit their man to God, and confirm his strength not emphasize on his weakness. Jesus loved humans but did not commit himself to them because he knew they were weak.


Lack of Kingship


Most females lack Kingship; they fail to understand their rights to protect their relationship territory. God made man; male and female he made them. The first assignment he gave this male and female is to dominate their territory. Most females do not know their role as partner to their husband. They are expected to lift their families to God and bear the burdens of the relationship with the man. A girl is going out with a guy and she is praying for the guy to ask her hand in marriage instead of praying for the guy’s solvency to life’s issues like financial, political and social. She expects to be a liability instead of an asset to the man. She looks down upon herself and tells God that only this man can make her happy. If you pray for the man’s success (not putting one leg out and one leg in), God will reward you with the man.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miss Rachel came to my office the other day. One of those wet Lagos evenings. Heavy rain and everyone was trapped as it was rumoured that the 3rd Mainland Bridge was jammed or it had collapsed, many remained on the Island late or found other ways across to the Mainland.

Miss Rachel looked seriously worried. It was not the rain or that she did not know her way home. She has a car like most up and coming Lagos girls and the car was working.

She has a problem.

You see, Miss Rachel is at the prime of her life. You know, that age when every woman thinks she should be married with children as that female Big Ben was constantly chiming away. Making loud rumbling grumbles about inactivity and lack of optimization.

Along with this, there is the family matter. Pressures and reminders that the Big Ben is there and the younger ones need a leader in this population contribution business. Pressures from friends whose weddings, naming ceremonies and engagements make up Miss Rachel’s weekends in Lagos.

Miss Rachel wants a lot in her life. In fact, she has a lot in her life. A steady boyfriend she has been hoping to marry for a long time. A good job. A car. Many friends. The sadness in Miss Rachel is from being trapped between a rock and a hard place.

She depends on this good job. She caters for herself and her needs and contributes her fair share to the family upkeep budget. Life could not be better settled.

But my colleague A.S. is the problem.

You see, he is an internationally acclaimed banker. He has worked all over the world. When he arrived as one of those janded boys in our company, every young lady, as most do in Lagos, was eyeing him. The prospects of getting ‘close’ to him so that ‘favor’ can be granted sometimes because of his position. After getting tired of counting money, A.S. came to our company to count people. He is our top man in H.R. Good Salary. Good Benefits. Close to the Boss. Wife and Children.

But he wants Miss Rachel.

The tactic is to pressure a lady to submission. The pressure starts with extending the hand of friendship. A ‘friend’ to talk to on work matters. A shoulder to cry on if you need one. A little financial help here and there. ‘Appointment’ as the "my eyes and ears".

To a growing professional, this is the ‘ideal’ position to have in a company. So when A.S. calls a late evening ‘meeting’ at the other quiet building Miss Rachel is invited. There are other people there. Outside clients. Contractors. Guests of the company. It is a business review session. The first one goes well. Everyone is happy. This has to become a regular fixture in the business calendar. And the next one. And the next one.

But A.S. has his eyes and other things on Miss Rachel.

Miss Rachel has her eyes on her future. Husband. Children. Good House. Good Car. Good Job. Her ally in the company is A.S. A top executive who can ‘assist’ her progress. A ‘friend’. A good man with honor and integrity. The type she hopes she will marry soon. Yes, soon as her boyfriend has the same qualities.

She has been with our company for 4 years. She has worked hard. She has been available when others have not. She will stay late to impress and will do her work diligently. So much so that some of the other HoDs will ask for her to do work for them as they do not have capable and committed staff. Everyone knows her here as Miss I Too Do. She likes this job.

Gifts from trips abroad for dedication to work. Financial Assistance from time to time. A little allowance for the weekend. Her ‘new’ Mont Blanc pen. The Catwoman sunglasses. A bag to match her dress for her friend’s wedding. This is not a problem as A.S. is a ‘friend’.

Then the ‘requests’.
“Lets have a drink”,
“No need to rush home”,
“Have you eaten at that Chinese restaurant near Eko Hotel?”,
“Why don’t you come in earlier so we can go over this reports?”.

It all seemed so innocent.

Miss Rachel was happy to be useful to a boss. Afterall, he is the H.R. oga. Can move her progress faster. Better position. Better salary. She can afford more and do the things she wants. To help her family. Her friends. Even her relationship. She enjoys her work. It is her life. It is her future.

Not anymore.

A.S. has come again. Promises of promotion. Promises of taking her on trips abroad. Promises of leaving his wife. Promises of giving anything she wants. She just has to be his ‘Baby’.

“Baby? “
“At this age? “
“Ah! She cant be anybody’s baby o! “

“Wait! What king of baby?”
“That kind?”
“With the prospects of a good future with her boyfriend? “
“Oh God!”
“But the other day you said…”

Miss Rachel has dignity. She cannot be anybody’s baby at her age. She has worked hard and knows what she deserves. She has earned it!

But wait a minute.

“What if A.S. arranges for her to lose her job?”
“What if she has no job?”
“How can she cope without this lifesaver?”
“Her boyfriend. Loyal, loving boyfriend.”

What is a girl to do?

“If nobody knows”
“Just once”
“Let him have this and he promises to deliver”
“I will cleanse myself in church after this one time”
“Pastor said to fast and pray for forgiveness when we do wrong”
“I think he can keep it quiet”
“I will get the promotion and move to a new job for better pay”
“It will pass and I will forget, boyfriend will not know”

Then the first time.

“Oh God!”
“What is this?”
“What have I done?”

Then the second time.

“Oh God!”
“I am dirty!”
“I hate myself”
“Please, nobody should know”

The next time?

Miss Rachel was scared! Everybody at work is looking at her somehow. Those ones were whispering. Her colleagues begin to seem quiet. They don’t talk anymore? No sister gossip?

That look.
That up and down look.
“Did that one just look at me like that?”
“Does anybody know?”

That Trip.
That late ‘working’ night.
That Party.

And A.S.?

He comes to our building often. Always stops by to say hello. A big smile on his face. Happy to be here. Even his fellow ogas say hello. He talks too much.

Then suddenly it all stops.

No Smiles.
No Gifts.
No late ‘review’ meetings.

“Maybe it is the problem with the authorities. “
“Maybe it is the pressure as oga kpata kpata is ‘away’”.
“Maybe.”

Miss Rachel broke down in my office.

“Please. Please Miss Rachel don’t cry so loud before they think something is wrong”
“What is the problem now?”
“What do you want to do?”

She feels trapped.

No Promotion.
No Salary increase.
She can’t resign as she needs this job.
Her boyfriend is there.
She can’t face him.
One day he will know.
But she loves him.
What about her future?
What about Big Ben?
Where can she run?
How can she hide?
Who can she tell?

What kind of life is this?
Living a lie.
Just when everything is looking well.

“She must run.”
“She must hide.”
“She can start again”
“Again?”
“At middle age?”
“Husband?”
“Children?”
“Yepa!”


And our company marketing line?
What Pride?

She can’t.
Can’t.
Can’t.
Can’t.
Can’t.

“Help!”

Help Miss Rachel

2:40 AM

 
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